Grief, “Am I doing it right?”
From the outside, grief looks a lot like sadness and sorrow, but inside it feels like so much more. Anyone grieving a loved one, a pet, or a past life, knows exactly what I mean.
Grief can feel complicated, complex, and layered. Recently a client whose parent died about a year ago, asked me “Am I doing it right?”.
There is a certain misconception about grief, how it is supposed to look, and the amount of time it’s supposed to take.
In the grief groups I’ve facilitated, we work through identifying the emotions that arise while grieving. The feelings range from sadness, guilt, joy, hope, exhaustion, anger, confusion, gratitude, abandonment, overwhelm, sorrow, jealousy, loneliness, connection, and disconnection, amongst many others.
The spectrum of emotion is vast and often contradictory. How can I feel deep sorrow and gratitude at the same time? The truth is - there is no one way to feel. All of these feelings belong. It’s with acceptance of this range of emotions that we can allow the grief to present itself in its truest expression, meet ourselves exactly where we are, and say “Yes, this is exactly how I grieve”.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who created the most commonly taught model for understanding the process of grief, from her book, On Death and Dying, was widely misunderstood. People assumed her work was for grievers who lost a loved one, but she intended the 5 steps of grief for those who were terminally ill.
Although a linear step-by-step process on how to grieve can help us feel hopeful, it leads us to feel that there will be an ending to look forward to and if we don’t hit the steps in the right order, or at all, we’re doing it wrong. While I don’t have steps for you, here’s what I’ve found helpful:
You’re not doing it wrong and don’t should on yourself. Feeling like you’re on an emotional roller coaster is common and your grief will very likely look different than someone else's. Your grief is your own personal experience, unlike anyone else's and that’s okay. There is no one way to grieve and there is no timeline. Books, podcasts, support groups, and therapy can be helpful resources to validate your experience and learn about how other people are moving through their grief. Catch yourself when you use the word should. When we say this, we’re assuming that there is another reality, one that is right and that our way is wrong.
Consider coping rather than healing. Healing suggests that there may be a time when you are no longer grieving your loss. You will likely feel disappointment when you never feel “healed”. However, coping suggests that our loss forever changes us and we will learn to adapt and manage how grief shows up throughout our lifetime.
Find a supportive community. Coping with grief can be difficult if done alone. Finding a supportive community helps our grief have a place to express itself and feel heard and seen. Try to not keep your grief to yourself. Share with a trusted friend, therapist, support group, family member, or colleague. Keeping yourself engaged in relationships and with the world around you will help you cope.
Compassion goes a long way. Treat yourself as you would treat a close friend, with compassion and loving-kindness. Although your grief may never end, if given the space to express itself, your grief will change.
With support, mindfulness, and coping skills, the weight of grief can feel lighter and your world more hopeful. Please reach out if you or someone you know is seeking support in managing their grief.
